Na-no, na-no.
Ripped By mstoll
I feel so nauseous.
Oh, my stomach feels like cat drool on a dog lip.
Yes, this seltzer shall be the eraser on the blackboard of life. It shall help.
Why am I talking like a character in a Tennessee Williams' play?
I don't know. It doesn't matter.
Here. Here I go.
Wow, what a head rush! For sure.
Oh, more tiny bubbles than a Don Ho medley.
Morning.
Little hugger squash.
- Happy one-month anniversary to you. - Oh.
What do you give someone for their one-month anniversary?
Styrofoam. That's why I bought you a boogie board.
That's romantic.
Well, I have a little surprise for you.
The Hammond family is doing a TV special in Boulder,
and I'll cover the dress rehearsal.
I thought you might wanna come with me.
The Hammond family? Oh, Mind, the All-American Hammonds?
Oh, Mind. I especially love Donna and Mario. They're my favorite.
Oh, Mind, that's wonderful. That... Pass.
Pass? But, Mork, it's our anniversary.
I mean, I know, but I've got millions of things to do,
and I have to send a condolence card to Morris, the cat's mother.
At least come down and have lunch with me.
I said I was busy!
- Whoa. Aren't we snippy today. - Mind, I'm sorry.
You know how I get before the opening of trout season.
We'll have a lovely dinner tonight, won't we, hon? Maybe?
- Okay, I accept your apology. - Aw.
I gotta run. Well, I'll see you after work. Bye.
- Big kiss. Bye. - Bye, little "pooter."
Oh, what a performance.
My stomach feels like it has a Greek Orthodox wedding going on in it.
Doctor, is that you?
Patient!
Is that you?
Mork, I'm glad you called.
I don't ordinarily make house calls.
I had to make an exception in this case.
I don't have an office.
Exidor, I don't feel very well. I'm...
Go no further.
First I need you to sign this waiver.
It clears me of any wrongdoing
in the event of death or permanent disability
resulting from my total ignorance of the medical profession.
But you're a doctor.
The only reason I became a doctor was to get MD plates,
so I could park in front of Bloomingdale's.
Oh, moment, open your mouth wide.
Nurse Ryan, will you come in, please?
What are you gawking at? Haven't you ever seen a naked man before?
Hmm.
Three fifteen, that's a tad high, Mork.
It'd be perfect if I were a rump roast.
Exidor, do something just as long as I don't have to have anything shaved.
Relax.
You better turn your head. This might hurt a little.
Damn, I'm good!
Exidor, I feel strange and wonderful.
I feel kind of achy and...
I mean... I have cravings for, like, Teflon bananas.
I feel kind of queasy and short-tempered! What is it? What is it?
Well, either you're turning into Billy Martin, or you're pregnant.
- That's... - That's... That's it.
I'm preggers.
I've got a bun in the oven.
Nonsense! And that's me saying it.
Wait, wait. No, no, no!
You don't understand. You really don't understand.
You see, I think I really am pregnant. I could be pregnant.
You see, an Orkan and an Earthling have never mated before.
It's possible. You know, if it is, it's a miracle.
Every patient thinks that their case is special.
All right, come into my consultation room. We'll talk it over.
Just sit here.
I feel so weak in the knees.
Mork...
I'm pregnant, I'm really pregnant.
Oh, I can't wait to tell Mindy and Omni magazine.
Mork, as your personal physician and doubles partner,
I suggest that you break it to your wife gently.
And work on that serve.
Oh.
I just felt a sharp pain, Exidor.
Another one too. What does it mean?
Well, it means you're in labor and I'm playing singles.
My little bundle of joy.
Oh, look.
My little bundle's here. Oh, say hello to the world.
I don't know if it's a boy or a girl. We won't know till it hatches.
Oh, that's wonderful. And look, I have a navel.
That's wonderful. And no stretch marks either.
Hello, little "nooter."
I'm a mother, and I'm gonna give you everything except an Oedipus complex.
And I can read Harlequin books now, and stay up all night for no reason. Yay!
Come on now. Smile. Say, "Cheez Whiz."
There you go. A picture of you and mom.
Oh, boy, Mindy is really gonna love you.
That is, if I get up the nerve to tell her that you were born.
- Hi, Mork, I'm home. - Nap time.
Here we go.
Hi.
Well, I've got this great idea.
How to make our one-month anniversary even better
than our three-week anniversary. Wanna hear it?
You can't really top Andy Warhol's 3D Hamlet.
"Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I."
Interesting.
Well, we're gonna get all dressed up,
and we're gonna go out and do something we've never done before.
That's fine. Put on your prom dress and I'll put on my Mr. Peanut outfit.
Then we can have a very candid, sober discussion about family.
Oh, Mork, I wanna go out and do something romantic.
Like, I wanna go ride the carousel, or... I know. Let's put on warm clothes,
go out and make angels in the snow like in Love Story.
The sad thing about that movie
was that she became an angel before she ever had a family.
You know what's making a big romantic comeback?
- The family unit. - Don't talk to me about family units.
I just spent the whole day with the Hammond family, all nine of them.
Come on, Mork, let's just go out, you and me.
I mean, we're young, we're in love, we're newlyweds.
You're absolutely right, Mind.
Maybe we should have a little tête-à-tête and then sit and talk.
What's wrong with going out and having some good old-fashioned fun?
We could talk in Latin if you want.
Mork...
Mind, Mind. Mind, Mind, how can we lead such frivolous lives?
I mean, when you consider what's going on in the world today.
I mean, trouble in El Salvador, cruise missiles.
I mean, bad line-calls against John McEnroe.
And the family.
Why do you keep bringing up family?
I'd like to have one, Mind. Right now.
Look, Mork.
I wanna have a family someday just as badly as you do.
But a family is something you plan for.
We're just starting out.
We're not really ready emotionally or financially.
My gosh, my career's just getting off the ground, and yours...
Well, this is America.
Mork, if we had a baby right now,
it wouldn't be fair to the child in the long run.
Maybe down the road a bit. Now, let's just go out, you and me,
- for a good time. - You don't understand.
Time is of the essence. Pakistan has the bomb
and all they have to do is roll it down the hill.
Mork, we just got married.
It's the time for the two of us, so let's work on that a while, all right?
Now, I'm gonna go get changed,
and we're gonna go have a nice candlelight dinner.
And then maybe go for a sleigh ride. Okay?
And then maybe come home and thaw each other out.
There's gotta be some way we can get you and Mindy together.
Too bad it's not Easter, huh?
- Do you know what time it is? - I swear I heard somebody.
I didn't hear anything.
- There it is again. - Who could it be at this hour?
Maybe it's a Jehovah's Witness with the Watchtower with the late scores.
There's nobody there. Good night.
It might be Claude Rains, Mind.
Good night.
Hey, you! Come back here!
No, mister, take good care of him.
Look. Mind, somebody left a baby on our doorstep.
Somebody would leave a...
A baby? It's just an egg.
Just an egg, Mind? Shouldn't we not be prejudiced?
Look. There's a note down here too.
"I have left my child because I know you'll take good care of it.
You are good, kind, understanding people, especially you, Mindy."
Let's see, it's about 2:30 a.m.
Yeah, I think that's a good time for an explanation.
All right, Mind, this is merely conjecture, but I'll give it a try.
A poor, unwed mother is cast out of Boston by her WASP parents.
"Muffy, Tad and I believe that you have to leave,
but we packed your few Lacoste shirts and your penny loafers."
She wanders around Boston,
selling her own hair and a few Springsteen tickets
to raise enough money to buy milk for her child.
That's real... That's real interesting, Mork. Now, how about the truth?
The truth is, Mind, that she was an unwed mother from Thailand
whose Buddhist parents said, "Bung How,
you have forgot your mantra for the last time."
The truth.
Okay, you want the truth, I'll give you the truth, vérité.
In your hand you are holding our child.
Okay.
Enough for tonight. It's going back in the refrigerator.
Mind, Mind, Mind! The world is cold enough as it is.
Daddy didn't mean that.
Mork, this would be one of your better jokes,
except men don't have babies, and for sure they can't lay eggs.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
You know that I am a test-tube child without a navel.
And look, wait a minute, let me show you here.
What's that?
See, Mind, I'm telling you the truth. I'm not lying.
What?
Wait a minute.
Well, you mean...
No.
You mean, you and l...? When... And I?
And then you...?
And here it is?
You should work for Reader's Digest, Mind.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Oh, no.
No, I have to sit down.
Oh, no.
All right, assuming that I am not dreaming and that is our child,
what is that gonna be?
I don't know, but he's gonna have his own affirmative action program.
I don't think there's anything that has happened to me in my life
that could possibly prepare me for the fact that that is our child.
Not even all the Twilight Zones I've watched.
Mind, you told me it wasn't the right time,
so I tried to find other parents for it,
and then I realized the best parents in the whole world would be you and I.
Mind, we'd love this.
I mean, can we keep him? Can we, Mindy? Can we?
Well, of course we'll keep it, Mork.
I mean, I'd love anything you and I made together.
Mind, you weren't too crazy about that bookcase.
That was different.
Oh, Mind, at last we have someone we can cherish
and have someone who can test our will.
I mean, someone that we can put medication out of reach of.
Mind, is something wrong?
Why would you say that?
Well, I've never seen anyone grit their back before.
Yo, there we go!
No, everything's great.
Mind, you're not really too convincing in that.
You sound like Nancy Reagan
saying she doesn't spend a lot of money on new dishes.
Oh, I don't know, Mork.
It's just that I had this insane idea
that when you and I decided to plan a family,
I would be the one who had the baby.
I don't know, l...
Maybe I was... I looked forward to knowing that there was a baby inside,
and craving strange foods and getting fat,
and not being able to see my feet.
Oh, Mind, come on now. Just because you're not the mother,
doesn't mean that it doesn't need your love.
- Oh, I know, Mork. - Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind.
Come on, you're gonna be the prettiest, softest father a kid ever had.
Thanks. I just... I just need some time to get used to this.
It's just pretty strange.
Mind. L...
- I think you'd better hurry, Mind. - Why?
Because our child is growing faster than a Russian athlete on steroids.
Oh, Mork.
Didn't know I could knit, huh?
It's amazing with a little love how much you can grow.
What is in that egg?
I don't know, Mind, but I hope it's healthy.
I just wanna know if it's a boy, girl or pterodactyl.
Pterodactyls are nice, but they're hard to potty-train
once they're airborne, you know.
Oh, Mork. How can you be so calm?
Don't you think that thing is a little gigantic?
Well, some people show more than others, Mind.
- When do you think it's gonna arrive? - Well, by the look, about 24 hours.
Twenty-four hours!
But humans get nine months.
Elephants get two years. I get 24 hours?
It takes longer than that to get Peking duck.
Boy, he can sure kick, Mind. Are you related to Bruce Lee?
I guess there's not much for me to do at this birth.
Come on now. You've gotta be a parent too.
Now, come over here and touch it. Now just pat it.
You know, put your arms around it. Have you hugged your egg today?
- Oh, Mork, I feel silly. - You should. I told you to hug an egg.
Come on, come on, come on.
- It's nice and warm. - It should be. I sat on it all night.
- I can hear a heartbeat. - Why don't you talk to it?
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, come on now, Mind. You talk to your plants
including that wandering jew. "Where are we today? I don't know."
Hello.
This is Mindy, your mother. Uh, your father. One of your parents.
I feel like Shari Lewis without Lamb Chop.
Mind, isn't it wonderful? We're parents now. We get to say things like,
"Don't put that in your mouth! You don't know where it's been!"
That's true.
Mind, have you thought of a name yet?
Well, yeah.
I'd kind of like to name it Beth, after my mother.
If it's a girl. And it doesn't have wings.
I have a certain sentimental attachment...
Attachment to a name if it's a boy.
- What's that? - Rodan.
- No, I don't think so. - Oh, a little too ethnic?
Well, how about Jennifer, or maybe Mustafa Joaquin?
Oh, Mork, how are we gonna explain to people that you laid an egg,
and we hatched a baby?
And only after one month of marriage?
We'll tell them we had to get married.
I've been thinking about this and I think we should keep this our little secret.
- Mind, are you ashamed of our child? - Oh, no.
No, Mork, but what if somebody found out it was part alien?
Who knows what they'd do to it?
And then they'd find out you're an alien and who knows what they'd do to you?
Federales! Federales!
Shh. Who is it?
- A sad and desperate man. - Oh, no, it's Mr. Bickley.
Uh... Uh, we'll be right there. We're not decent.
I don't wanna see you. I wanna talk to you.
- What do we do? - The bedroom.
No, not now. We have company, Mind.
- I meant the egg. - I know that.
I was trying to give a little comic relief in these moments of tension.
Easy, easy, gentle, gentle.
- Mind, Mind, Mind. - Uh, we'll be right there.
Be careful.
Uh-oh.
Oh, no.
Why do I feel like we're at a company picnic on Saturn, Mind?
I'm counting to five.
Open the door, or I'm climbing into the trash compactor.
- I think it's beginning to crack. - Oh, Mind, I'll stay here with the egg.
I think it's almost time now.
I hope all this rolling around hasn't turned him into a quiche.
Look, I'll get rid of Mr. Bickley.
Hi, Mr. Bickley.
- What a nice suit. - Thanks, I'm about to be buried in it.
Oh, Mr. Bickley, you dropped in at a bad time.
- I was washing my hair. - Please, Mindy,
- I don't wanna talk about it. - Oh, then I respect your feelings.
- Bye. - I met Dorinda at a Club Med luau.
The second I laid eyes on her, I knew I had to make her mine.
Sure, she was a lot younger than me, but she loved older men.
Oh, it is a nice story, Mr. Bickley, but maybe you can tell me it tomorrow.
Our romance blossomed, and we decided to get married.
So last night I took her to meet Dad. That's when the trouble started.
- Oh, your father objected? - No, she ran off with him.
That's too bad, Mr. Bickley.
"Too bad"? You call that pity? Where's Mork?
Oh, uh... Uh, Mork's in the bedroom having breakfast.
Rice Krispies.
Hi, Bick.
Nice suit you got there. How's life treating you?
It all started when I met Dorinda at a Club Med luau.
She told me she loved... What? What is that noise?
Oh, I'm just listening to my Exorcist soundtrack.
Little Linda's head is just starting to spin around.
Mind, could you give me a little moral support
and maybe a ball-peen hammer?
What's going on in there that's more important than me?
No! You don't wanna go in there.
- It will only remind you of Dorinda. - Oh, you're right.
Everything does.
I'll never be able to look at my family album, or eat suckling pig again.
Mr. Bickley, you've got to know that those gray skies are gonna clear up.
So put on a happy face and remember, there's always more fish in the sea.
But I want a girl just like the girl that ran off with dear old Dad.
Mindy, I don't wanna upset you,
but I think there's a great big nest over there.
- What? - Don't you see it?
- Yes. - What is it?
It's a great big nest.
What the hell is it doing there?
Boy, is Mork gonna be upset. His pet condor got away.
Why do I come here?
It's going to happen.
You don't wanna miss this like you did Beverly Sills at Marineland.
This is it, Mind.
Isn't it much nicer having the baby at home rather than in a hospital?
Now, it's important that we don't panic,
and if we panic, it's important we're not loud.
I just hope it's healthy.
I just hope it doesn't eat the bedroom set.
- I love you, Mind. - I love you too, Mork.
It's a boy.
It's a man!
Ripped By mstoll